


Pessimist Lovers

by mad_solo_lover



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Character Death, Coincidences, Confused Ben Solo, Daddy Issues, Drama, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Fate, Father-Daughter Relationship, Finn and Rey (Star Wars) Are Related, Forbidden Love, Good Parent Han Solo, Happy Ending, I Love You, Intense, London, Made For Each Other, Matter of Life and Death, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Minor Finn/Rose Tico, Mother-Son Relationship, One True Pairing, POV Rey (Star Wars), Pain, Parent Death, Parents Han and Leia, Partner Betrayal, Protective Rey (Star Wars), Psychological Trauma, Rey & Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Sad and Happy, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soft Ben Solo, Suicide Attempt, True Love, beased on how to fall in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24212044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mad_solo_lover/pseuds/mad_solo_lover
Summary: Fate brings Ben Solo and Rey Jhonson together.He is ready to end it all, but she isn't ready to let him go.Desperate she makes a deal, with New Year's Eve a couple of weeks away she decides to help him fall in love with his own life.Their lives intertwine, his mess becomes her mess and her fears become his fears.Together they undertake an adventure larger than life itself. He slowly starts to love his life but is that all that is happening?
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 7
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - A suicide attempt, mental health issue, and the portrayal of depression.  
> This is going to be intense so please be careful if you are not in a good place emotionally.

“What are the odds?” is pretty much the slogan of coincidences, a coincidence is not just something that is improbable. The label “coincidences” is packed with an amazing assortment of experiences, and yet something more than rarity obliges us to group them together. They have a similar texture, a feeling that the fabric of life has undulated. The question is where this feeling comes from, why we notice certain ways the threads of our lives collide and ignore others.

Some might say it’s just because people don’t understand probability. In their 1989 paper, Methods for Studying Coincidences, the mathematicians Persi Diaconis and Frederick Mosteller considered defining a coincidence as “a rare event,” but decided “this includes too much to permit careful study.” Instead, they settled on, “A coincidence is a surprising concurrence of events, perceived as meaningfully related, with no apparent causal connection.”

From a purely statistical point of view, these events are accidental, not meaningfully related, and they shouldn’t be that surprising because they happen all the time. But humans generally aren’t great at reasoning objectively about probability as they go about their lives.

For one thing, people can be pretty generous with what they consider coincidences. If you meet someone who shares your birthday, that seems like a fun coincidence, but you might feel the same way if you met someone who shared your mother’s birthday or sibling’s birthday. Or if it was the day right before or after yours. So, there are numerous birthdays that person could have that would feel coincidental to you.

And there are lots of people on this planet—more than 7 billion, in fact. According to the Law of Truly Large Numbers, “with a large enough sample, any outrageous thing is likely to happen.” Even within the relatively limited sample of your own life, there are all kinds of opportunities for coincidences to happen. When you consider all the people you know and all the places you go and all the places they go, chances are good that you’ll run into someone you know, somewhere, at some point. But it’ll still seem like a coincidence when you do.

So, we have psychology to explain how and why we notice coincidences, and why we want to make meaning from them, and we have the probability to explain why they seem to happen so often. But to explain why any individual coincidence happened involves a snarl of threads, of decisions and circumstances and chains of events that, even if one could untangle it, wouldn’t tell you anything about any other coincidence.

***~***

I was looking over the Southbank skyline, the big and beautifully lit dome of St. Paul’s dictated the scenery. People filled the Millennium Bridge right under my nose and the dark water of Thames was reflecting the glimmering lights creating warm abstract color patches. I had been living in London most of my adult life, three years of university, and five years of the big bad world, but the view from this platform at Tate Modern had taken my breath away completely. I saw a city I was bored of and didn't recognize it anymore. I was attending my best friend Rose’s art exhibition, and after a couple of hours of blandly staring at the artwork that seemed like random splotches of paint to me, we had reached the part of the evening I had been waiting for – all most the end. It wasn’t like I didn’t respect Rose’s talent or wasn’t happy for all her achievements but I hated being in a big hall with people cramped up whispering with stinking breaths into each other’s ears. PRETENDING to understand, spreading fake smiles.

Couples, with hands all over each, acting like they are not attending this thing only to be able to lose each other in a sea of people. I hate pretense and I also know there is not a single mind in this room capable of understanding the genius that is Rose, especially me. This is what had brought me out here to the balcony, people inside were chatting loudly and drinking to the brim. Small talk was a must-have to survive the room and I wasn’t very well versed in it. It was quiet here; I was alone with my thoughts, just the way I liked it.

I was still staring attentively at the crowd on the bridge, people laughing, their heads jerking back. A rhythm in their walking, I wished things could be as simple for me, I wished I could hop around a bridge on the beats of music that was only playing in my head. I wasn’t built like them though, if I was on that bridge, it would only be to get to the other side, not to enjoy the walk. A few faded voices brought me back to my immediate surroundings and I slowly turned my head in the direction of the noise. That is when I saw him.

He was dressed in a black suit and standing on the wrong side of the railing, his hands were wrapped around the railing but his body was leaning away from it. The crowd had slowly started to gather around him, keeping a little distance as he threatened to jump. My legs moved really slowly towards the crowd and my mind only said one thing, “this could not be happening to me, NOT AGAIN.”

Someone in the crowd had called the police and others were debating how long it would take them to come here, the security guards were standing on alert but their scared faces told you they were armatures who hadn’t bargained for this kind of a stunt being pulled at an art event. What are the odds that these two rookies were on duty on the day this man decided to end his life here? His eyes were completely focused on them. Rose was standing at the back of the crowd, her face pale and expressionless. She seemed like a statue, incapable of moving. The crowd’s arguments about what was to be done were disturbing the guards. Suddenly adrenalin rushed through my body and I knew what I had to do. I had to save this man; I just could not fail again.

The icy December wind gave me a few shivers, I had been standing outside for too long. How had I not noticed him? I realized my ears were aching and my nose was numb from the cold. I dodged the distracted guard in one swift duck and tried to close out the crowd that could see me and could hear whatever I was about to say. I was now standing a few steps away from him on the right side of the railing. My view of him was very clear now, he was really tall and big in build, his untidy long black hair was flying with the cold air, his feet were on the ridge and his hands were clutching the balustrade. There was no turning back now, I was in this with him.

“Hello,” I called him as gently as I could. I didn’t want to scare him but I also wanted him to hear me above the wind and the crowd. “Don’t worry I won’t touch you or come any closer without your permission,” my tone had no trace of the fear that was bubbling up inside me.

He looked at me and then his eyes went straight back to the guards. It was clear I had barely penetrated the voices in his head, he was too lost in his own head.  
“My name is Rey,” each word coming out of my mouth very slowly. I was leaning a little to catch his gaze that was intently fixed at the guards.

“Don’t come any closer,” his deep voice was panicked. I was happy with the distance I was at, if I absolutely had to, I could grab on to him for dear life, even though I was sure just looking at his frame that I would be incapable of stopping his fall. I looked at the guards and realized they were intimidated by his size as well.

“I won’t, I promise,” he turned to see how far I was. “Keep focus, I do not want you to fall.”

“Fall?” He looked at me and then back at the guards and then at me again, he looked like he was in his thirties, chiseled jaw, his dark eyes stared back at me, big and terrified, pupils so large they almost filled his eyes and I wondered if he was drunk.

“Do you think I care if I fall? Do you think I got here by accident?” he tried to zone me out again and concentrate on the guards.

“Leave me alone,” he said and then quietly added, “Please.”

Even in this situation, he was polite. “I am concerned, I want to help you,”

“Leave me alone,” he was completely blocking me now. I watched his knuckles going from white to red as he tightened and loosened his hold of the railing. My heart was hammering against my chest, I dreaded him letting go completely.

“Talk to me, please...” I requested, moving forward only in the slightest.

“Please just go away. I want to be on my own. I wanted to do this on my own without creating too big a scene, I just didn’t think it would take so… long.” His words felt genuine.

“See, I promise no one will come close to you unless I say so, the only thing I ask is that you talk to me,” I had no idea where I was getting all this confidence from.  
He was silent. I kept asking him soft questions, trying to penetrate his shield but I was meeting with nothing from his side. But he had also not jumped yet, so, there was that.

“I would very much like to know your name,” I said and again it met with nothing. I couldn’t let this happen again. I had to save him.

“Ben,” his reply was a whisper.

“Okay, Ben,” I said, happy that he was finally engaging. “I want to help, Ben,” I said after a small pause.

“No point,” his reply was sharp and short.

“I would like to hear what is going on in your head if you would share with me,” I couldn’t get one single word wrong.

“You can’t talk me out of it.”

“Give me a chance, just a chance to help you see that there are still things worth living for even if it seems like this is your only option. Your mind is struggling right now, let me help. There are other choices, choices that may not be visible right now but are there. Please come back to the safe side.” He said nothing and looked at me. I recognized that expression all too well, he was ready to give up.

The guards chose this moment to take a few steps forward and Ben loosened his grip on the railing sending them back but it was too late. “I am sorry,” he leaned forwards even more and didn’t stop loosening his grip.

“Ben!” I leaped forward and wrapped my hands around him with all the strength I could muster, pulling him back so hard that his body slammed on the railing. I buried my head in his back, closing my eyes and held on tight. I waited for him to pull away, wondering how I would hold on if he decided to use his strength, knowing that I was no match for him. I hoped for the guards to jump in, for the police to arrive, I never should have done this, I was out of my depth. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, my head buried completely in his back, he smelled of aftershave, clean like he had just showered. He smelt like someone who put in an effort to get ready for this event, not like someone who came to jump off the balcony. I could barely wrap my hands around his broad chest but I held on, determined never to let go.

“Are you crazy? What are you doing?” he was panting, his chest moving up and down.

I finally looked back at the crowd; the guards were frozen in their steps. No one was coming to help me and now my legs were trembling.

“Please… don’t do this,” I was crying.

He tried to turn around and see me but I was directly behind him and he couldn’t look at my face.

“Are you crying?”

“Yes,” I said unashamedly. “Please do not do this.”

“God,” he again tried to turn and look at me,

I was sobbing uncontrollably now. My body shivering by my hands tightly wrapped around still.

“The hell,” he shuffled his feet on the ridge and slowly turned his body to look at me. Our eyes met.

“Do you know me, Rey?” He asked he had softened. The voices in his head seemed to have lowered their volume a bit.

“No,” I tried to stop crying.

“Do I know you?” He was searching for a reason for my actions.

“No.”

I tightened my grip around him, hugging him like I had not hugged a human being in a very long time. I looked up at his face.

He looked at me like I was crazy. Like he was the sane one in this situation and I had lost my mind. He looked down at my face and searched for something that was not there.

The spell between us broke when the guard tried to move forwards again.

“Let go of me,” he shouted out, trying to gently remove my hands off him so as to not hurt me. The guards halted again.

“NO,” I shook my head. “Listen to me please, you don’t want to do this. The pain you are feeling right now, this overwhelming pain, this pain that has always been there no matter how hard you try to shake it off, I understand it. Maybe no one in your life does but I do. But you don’t want to end it all, it’s just sometimes the pain is too much, some days it’s an entity of its own.”

He looked at me carefully taking every word in. “Ben, this is just a moment, it will pass and you won’t want to end your life, you may think that no one cares, that everyone in your life would move on, that they want this for you but they don’t. no one wants this for anyone. It’s just a moment Ben, in this moment the pain is stronger, but in the next you will be,” I whispered, tears streaming down my face.

I had managed to engage him; I could see that he was thinking now. The choice was as simple as it was difficult, to live or to die?

“I thought about multiple ways of doing this and then decided that this one was the quickest. I want it to end… it hurts!” he finally said after a few seconds.

“What? What hurts?”

“Everything, but if you want me to narrow it down, Living I guess,” he said and laughed weakly. “Waking up to my world has been the worst part of the day for a long time,” the voice was so weak for a man of his build.

“I want to hear all about it, I want to talk to you but not here. Why don’t we do to a safe place and talk there?” I was begging him.

“It’s too late, I can’t change things now, it’s too late…” I was losing him again. he looked me in the eye and I couldn’t look away.

“No, its never too late, trust me your life can change, I promise, I can help, I will help,” the staring match was still on, both of us refusing to blink.

“What if nothing changes?”

“It will,” I felt locked in, he was so lost. “But what if it doesn’t?”

“IT WILL,” my voice was stronger than I actually felt.

“I swear if it doesn’t, I will end it, one way or the other,” his jaw hardened as he said the last few lines. I didn’t want him dwelling on this thought.

“If it doesn’t change you are free to do whatever you want but I am telling you it will, I will show you. You and me, we will do it together, we will see how wonderful your life can be” he studied my face for a moment and thought it over.

“It’s a deal,” he bent down a bit and whispered in my ear.

This shook me. No, I had not thought this through. A DEAL? I had not intended to make a commitment but there was no way I was backing down now. I wanted to so be away from this cold. I wanted my warm bed. I wanted to put this behind me.

“Rey… you need to let me go so I can climb back.” I shook my head. “No way I am letting you go,” I said sternly.

I took in the height of the bars he had to climb back and the small area he had to maneuver. “Let me call for help,” I said.

Slowly, very slowly I removed one hand from his chest not ready to completely trust him yet. “Rey, I got here myself,” he said.

I watched him as he turned his large feet completely on the ledge, he angled his body to the right and slowly started to shuffle his way back to the balcony. I was all of a sudden even more aware of the danger he was in. my heart pounded as the guard rushed past me and pulled him back to safety. There was a collective sigh of relief from the crowd. I could now see that rose had made her way to the front and had been witnessing it all through tears.

Once on the balcony, Ben sat down with his back to the railing. My legs gave way as well and I collapsed opposite him. Rose was still in shock; she was scared to come close. I was all of a sudden worried about what this experience must have done to her. It was supposed to be her big night and now it was a nightmare.

“Are you okay?” he asked looking at me lost in my thoughts.

“Thank you,” I blurted out.

“For what?”

“For not going through with it.”

He was intrigued by this, “Well, I am happy to please you, anyway my life seems more important to you than to me.”

He reached across and held out his hand, and I reciprocated. My tiny hand seemed like a toy in his large grip. “I am looking forward to you helping change my life Rey, I think new year eve should be a good cutoff date?”

Deadline. My hand was wrapped around his, his voice was soft but it felt like a threat. Suddenly I felt foolish. What had I said? What had I done? I was not prepared for this. I wanted to run away, I wanted nothing to do with this. Instead, I shook his hand firmly sealing the deal just before Rose grabbed me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The deal is done, but is Rey ready for the challenge that lies ahead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of Suicide.

When something truly tragic, raw, and real happens you get a flashback of your life. But you don’t just witness it, all of a sudden you are the invigilator of your own life choices.

I moved to London from Luton around eight years ago. Any normal person would think that its a move not worth mentioning but for anyone who has spent their childhood and teenage years in Luton the excitement of the move is very easy to understand. Luton is thirty miles away from London but it is more than the distance that separates them. I had come to link my whole lives seclusion and loneliness with that town, for me it was a zombie town, the only difference was that the zombies there fed on joy instead of brains. I was a lanky loner all of my school life, the kind of girl who preferred characters over humans. Even back then I had a certain disdain for fakeness. Everyone in school acted - acted cool, acted like they cared, acted like they were too tuff and sometimes acted like rebels. I wasn’t ready to be part of this performance; you see I was a writer, not an actress. The home wasn’t much better; I lost my mom when I was a little baby and my father’s sorrow took no time turning into alcohol addiction. There were very few days a week he would show up to the house after work and whenever he did, I wished he hadn’t. What was worse than him not being there was him being there only for me to take care of him and put him to bed. Our finances were horrible, the condition of the house even worse. As soon as I was thirteen, I started working at the local bookshop, it became my escape – I was around books and away from my life. Needless to say, I had dreamt of this move ever since I knew how to dream. I left Luton five hours after I had given my final A level Exam.

The only place in the world where I could have found refuge was in my ex step-brother Finn’s apartment. My Father had married Finn’s Mom when I was fourteen, the marriage lasted all of two years but I think it’s the only act that my father ever committed that I can be thankful to him for, even if it was accidentally. Finn was the best big brother anyone could ever ask for. He drove away the bullies at school who constantly hassled me and helped me breathe in that suffocating house. He had a weird cheerful aura around him, nothing could ever bring him down, not his mother’s endless streak of marriages and not my father’s drinking. Finn’s mother was as a parent as narcissistic as they come, but at least she kept the house in order and never cared enough about me to intrude in my life.

That’s when I met Rose, she and Finn had been dating for two years and lived in an apartment in Hackney. Rose welcomed me in like family, like me she had barely had any solace in blood relations and she was always ready to give out the love she never received. _ROSE!_ All of a sudden, I came out of my daze and saw her angry face. Her mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear her, so I focused and that was a mistake. Rose was screaming at the top of her voice. Rose had dragged me inside, far enough so Ben couldn’t hear her but I had made sure I was standing at an angle where I could see him through the corner of my eyes. He was sitting on the other side of the room, his large hands wrapped around a tiny coffee mug and a guard standing right on top of him. We were all waiting for the cops to come, they had instructed the guard not to let me or Ben leave until they got here.

“REY… are you even listening to what I am saying?” Rose shouted out and I turned my head to look at her. I was caught, she had one look at my lost expression and realized I had completely missed her speech.

“I… I am sorry Rose. But you know that I had to do it.” I said and Rose’s eyes became soft instantly.

“I know,” Rose looked down, she was contemplating saying something. “But is there no other reason?” I could barely hear her, she looked up and saw my confused face. I again sneaked a look at Ben who was staring into nothingness. I should not leave him alone for too long. I looked back at Rose prompting her to ask whatever she was thinking about fast but as she opened her mouth the elevator doors opened and all of a sudden, all the heat that had entered my body escapes. It was Office Skywalker, out of all the cops in London, of course, it had to be him who answered the 999 call.

My face had turned ash like as he walked into the room and started looking around, Rose saw the shock on my face and turned around. “That is some coincidence,” Rose said barely moving her lips. We were both staring at officer Skywalker who was now walking up to Ben.

As much as I didn’t want to, I started walking towards them knowing I couldn’t let Ben handle this alone. I reached them before officer Skywalkers had a chance to ask Ben anything.

“Good evening officer,” I said in the most monotonous tone.

He turned his head and looked at me and could tell I had caught him off guard. I was sure by the sullen expression on his face that he didn’t want to see me as much as I didn’t want to see him, maybe even a bit more.

“he…hi,” he said recovering. He was quiet again for a few seconds and then he raised his eyebrows in frustration and anger. “You are the woman who tried to save him, aren’t you?” his voice was low but the irritation in it was palpable. I looked at Ben who had a confused looked plastered on his face. Officer Skywalker looked back and composed himself. “Rey lets have a word over there,” his voice was calm now. He grabbed me by the hand and took me away from Ben to the middle of the room, while another officer took his statement.

“What the hell were you doing?” His muffled agitated tone had come back and I understood he had only calmed his voice for Ben.

“Trying to help.”

“How do you know him now?” Meaning: _Him as well?_

“I don’t.” “So, what happened then?” “I had to try and help him, someone called you guys but I thought I could talk to him till you guys got here.” “Yeah because you talking worked so well the last time.” He said and instantly regretted his words. “I am sorry.”

The apology was barely audible but I knew he meant it. I tried not to registered the sentence at all, I couldn’t get emotionally weak right now. “Seriously Rey, you think I would believe that this is all a coincidence? Two in a span of two months? What were you thinking this time, trying to be a hero?”

“NO, I… I was just here attending my friend’s exhibition and all I did was think I could help,” Getting angry at him for treating me this way I added: “And I did help, didn’t I?”

“Barely,” he fumed.

I could see Ben staring at me with concern from afar. “You can tell me everything about this at the station.” He walked away expecting me to follow.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong,” I protested.

“Rey you are not under arrest, we just have to file a report.”

***~***

While Ben was taken in one car, I was taken in another. We were being driven to Southwark police station. I wasn’t worried about Ben because as annoyed as Skywalker was with me, he had treated Ben with utmost compassion and professionalism. Rose followed us in her car. Once we reached there Skywalker asked me to go through my story again in complete detail. It was obvious he did not believe me; he knew I was holding back. The thing was I couldn’t tell him the whole truth, not to him and not to anyone.

After an hour of questioning Skywalker finally let me go.

“Where is Ben?” I asked.

“That is not your concern,” Skywalker was swift in his reply.

“But where is he?”

“He is being evaluated by a psychologist.”

“So, when can I see him?”

“Rey… you cannot get involved in this. One trauma is enough for a lifetime, you don’t need another. Go home. Get some sleep.”

I walked out of the station and saw Rose waiting for me out there. She rushed to me as soon as she saw me. “Rey… are you alright?” she asked.

“I… umm I don’t know,” she looked even more worried because of that reply.

“What were you going to ask me before in the room?” I asked in the hope of some distraction.

“I… I was going… now it seems so stupid… I was going to ask if your actions had anything to do with Poe and your break-up?” I gulped as she said those words. His name still brought about a deep pain in my heart. Poe and I had been in a relationship for four years before our break-up a week ago. In the last few months of our relationship I had known something was wrong, I didn’t know what it was but at the same time, I knew. Once it had ended, I realized that the relationship was never quite right. Whenever Poe held me in bed, I used to feel suffocated rather than loved. I could finally acknowledge the fact that I had been hogging his love but I had none to give him in return. There had been moments of joy and hope in between, but it takes more than positivity and wishful thinking to sustain romance. Poe had always been someone I could rely on and he had supported me through the worst days of my life, but when he realized I was serious about leaving - as I packed my stuff – his tone changed and he called me the vilest things. I didn’t blame him, though I was not fat and never had been and I was intrigued to learn he didn’t like Finn as much as he showed. His behavior since the breakup had surprised me - he had stopped acknowledging my existence publicly.

I knew that the end of a relationship was hard, I had sat with my friends as they cried about them but what I didn’t expect was a complete personality change from Poe. Through all the relationship pain I had never imagined he would end up converting into the kind of vicious, cold, and bitter man he had become. I understood his pain, his anger, and mostly his confusion. It had less to do with him and more to do with the fact that I had hidden my sadness away so well all these years and it had everything to do with the timing. So my heart ached because of the pain I had caused a man who loved me.

“You don’t even have to answer that now, I think it was the shock asking such a lame question,” Rose said and hugged me. I couldn’t hug her back; I knew if I gave in to her embrace I would start crying and never stop.

“Let me take you home,” Rose said releasing me. “I think I will wait for Ben,” I said. Rose shook her head in disbelief.

“Rey, I know you hate being told what to do, but this is not right. Only a couple of months have passed since… you are not ready to handle this.”

“Rose, you know I love you right,” I said and kissed her forehead. “It’s just something I have to do.”

Rose knew when not to push me. She could always judge that the best, sometimes even better than Finn. She gave me a final hug and left. I was finally alone in the cold and the depth of everything that had happened finally sunk in. the doors behind me opened and I felt Skywalker’s presence before I heard him.

“Of course, you are still here,” I didn’t know how to reply so I just looked at him.

“He has been asking about you.”

My heart lifted.

“He has to spend the night here but I can give him your number if that is okay?” I nodded.

“Now get outta here,” he said in such a threatening tone that I jumped into the next black cab I could find.

Once I was in my bed unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep. Sleep had been hard to come by these last couple of months. I was worried if Skywalker even gave my number to Ben. I was even more worried if Ben would call. All of the next day Ben didn’t call and then around five as I was turning off my computer my phone rang.

***~***

We decided to meet outside the Tate modern by the river. It seemed like a good idea at the time but when we were both there twenty-four hours after the incident, it felt wrong. He was standing staring into the river and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking.

“Ben.”

At the sound of my voice, he turned. He was wearing the same black clothes as last night but his hair was covered with a black beanie today.

“Are you okay?” I inquired.

“Yeah, all cool.” He sounded shocked. “All good.”

“Where did they take you last night?”

“A few questions at the station and then to the hospital for psychological evaluation. I passed with flying colors.” He joked. “I called you here to thank you in person, Thank you.” “Umm… okay well, you are welcome,” I replied, awkwardly, not knowing whether to shake his hand or to hug him.

He nodded and then started walking and I shadowed. We crossed the bridge and reached the other side, he walked with swiftness. As we reached the road, he crossed on a green signal without looking around too much, a car honked angrily as it missed him narrowly.

“Ben!” I screamed out.

He turned after crossing, “Accident. Promise.”

I knew I had to follow him. The hospital might have trusted him for some reason but I surely did not. I pressed the pedestrian button but I could already see him disappearing into the crowd so I looked for a space in the traffic and followed. I ran a little to catch up. He walked too fast because of his long legs.

“Stop following me, I am alright I told you,” he said without looking back. It made me happy that he could sense me.

“I don’t think you are; I just want to make sure you don’t… you know.”

He looked at me blankly and then looked away. His eyes started filling and I could see the sparking under the street light.

“Ben, I need to know that you are going to be okay. Are you going to get some help?” I asked.

“Everyone keeps trying to fix me, save me. It won’t change what is happening.”

_“What is happening?”_

He paced himself even more now.

“You don’t have to tell me but are you happy that you did not jump?” I asked in between breaths as my walk had turned into a jog.

“Sure. It was a mistake.” I smiled.

“See that is progress already.”

“I should have done it alone in my room.” I couldn’t tell if he was still joking.

“Where are we going?” I changed the subject. My feet and hands were numb and I was exhausted. I was hoping we didn’t have far to go. He seemed to have been walking aimlessly.

“I am staying at the Leonardo Royal,” he said. “Would have been the best place to die I think, in all the luxury and comfort.”

“Okay, I am starting to get your twisted sense of humor. It’s a bit sick”

“Thankfully the hospital did not think so.”

“How did you get out of there?”

“Charmed them with my boyish joy and wonder,” he said still straight-faced.

“ _You lied_ ,” I accused him.

“Where do you live?”

“These days? Paris.”

“So, did you come all the way here just to…?”

“Oh god! You Londoners are so arrogant. There are a lot of good buildings to jump from, in Paris. I came here to meet someone." 

We reached the hotel and Ben turned to me. “Thank you again and I don’t know now… should I give you a hug or a kiss for saving my life?” he held his hands out in the air and I rolled my eyes.

I didn’t know what to say next. “I do really prefer not to leave you right now.”

“New Year’s Eve is in two weeks, nothing much can change by then.”

“It’s doable,” I said more confidently than I felt. “I will use up my annual leave and then I can see you every day. It is definitely possible.” I did not recognize the optimistic person I tried to sound like.

He gave me an amused smile. “I do really rather be alone right now.”

“So, you can kill yourself?”

“Can you keep your voice down?” he hissed, as a couple walking by gave us a suspicious look. “Thank you,” he said again and left me on the pavement as he made his way through the hotel’s front doors. He was going to have a hard time shaking me off his trail. I followed him and waited outside the elevator till the last possible moment and as the doors were about to close, I jumped in. He looked at me blankly and then pressed the button.

We got to the top floor and I followed him into the penthouse suite. I entered the living room and I could smell flowers. The door to the bedroom was open and I could see rose petals sprinkled on the bed, and a bottle of champagne in a silver bucket. Ben glanced at the bed and then away again as if the sight of it repulsed him. He walked to the bar and picked up a piece of paper lying there.

“Is this your suicide note?” He winced.

“Can you not call it that?”

“What would you rather I say?”

“Goodbye Ben, it was nice meeting you?” he said with an arched eyebrow.

He took off his coat and threw it on the floor, then he pulled off the beanie, and I saw those lovely black curls fall back on his face. I was a bit taken about now that I could seem them without the wind. He collapsed on the couch.

“What?” He asked and I realized I was staring at his beauty.

Sitting down opposite him on the couch I took off my coat and gloves as well.

“Can I read it?”

“No.” he moved the letter closer to his chest and folded it.

“Why don’t you tear it?”

“Because it’s a memento of my trip to London.” He said placing the letter in his pocket.

“You are not funny,” I said annoyed.

“Great, another thing I suck at apparently. I will add it to the list.”

I looked around the set-up and tried to figure him out.

“Were you expecting someone tonight?”

“Yes, of course. I always arrange champagne and roses for pretty ladies who save my life.” It was wrong and I knew it was wrong, but I celebrated inside that he called me pretty.

“Oh… it must have been for last night,” I said watching him. Despite the jokes and the humor, he was fidgeting. I understood that the jokes were helping him go on. He stood up and walked to the TV unit and opened the cupboard below to reveal a mini-bar.

“I don’t think alcohol is a good idea,” I said.

“I could be getting a soft drink,” he replied and I felt guilty. Then he went ahead to take out a mini bottle of Jack Daniel’s and threw me a cheeky look. He poured it into a glass, his hands trembling, and came back and sat down. I stared at him for a while and then unable to control myself I poured myself one as well, but I mixed mine with a soft drink. I needed something to calm me, after all, that had taken place in the last twenty-four hours and also, I was freezing. I took a sip and it burned my throat all the way to my stomach and it felt good.

“My girlfriend.” He said out of nowhere, interrupting my thoughts.

“What about her?”

“That is who I was expecting. I came to London to surprise her. She had said that I had been very lost lately, hadn’t paid her any attention.” He rubbed his face a little violently. “She said this relationship was in trouble, in danger was her exact wording.”

“So, you came to London to rescue your relationship.” I was happy that he was opening up to me.

“What happened?”

“She was with another guy,” he said, his jaw tightening. “She had told me she was going to go for drinks with her girls at our usual place… I came a day early from Paris to surprise her and I went there and drum roll… she was not there with any girl.”

“how do you know they were not just friends?” I asked hoping.

“Oh! they were friends, all right. I was the one who introduced her to him, my best friend _Tai_.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is opening up... but Rey has to be careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDE AND REFERENCE TO DEPRESSION.

“So… what did you do?”

“I confronted them and they didn’t deny it,” He shrugged.

“Then?”

“Then I left looking like an idiot.”

“You didn’t want to hit Tai?”

“Na,” he sat back defeated. “I knew what I had to do.”

“Attempt Suicide?”

“Can you please just not use that word.” He shot an angry glance at me. I fell silent.

“Anyway, there was no use of hitting him, that would have only made me more of a villain.”

“It could have alleviated the situation,” I suggested.

“If I had hit him you would have asked why I didn’t think the situation through.”

“Ben, hitting your friend, who clearly deserves it, is much better than committing suicide.”

“God, will you stop using that word,” he said quietly.

“That’s what you tried to do, Ben.”

“And I will do it again if you do not keep your end of the deal,” He shouted.

His anger was surprising. He got up and went to the glass door leading out into the balcony. I knew there was more to Ben’s story than a cheating girlfriend but I didn’t want to push him. He looked agitated and we were both really tired.

“You can sleep in the bedroom; I will take the couch.” He said, his back still towards me. When I didn’t say anything, he turned towards me. “I am assuming you want to stay?”

“You won’t mind?”

He thought about it for a few seconds. “I think it might be a good idea.” He turned back to look outside.

There were a lot of things I could have said to Ben in that moment, things I had read from Finn’s self-help books but the moment seemed wrong for it. I was sure he needed more than empty sanguinity to heal himself. I had to not only worry about what to say but also when to say it.

“Goodnight,” I said. As I got in, I left the bedroom door ajar, not liking that he was in the room with access to a balcony. I watched him through the gap as he took off his hoodie, revealing a tight t-shirt underneath. I couldn’t help but look a little longer than necessary. I told myself it was because I was doing it for his safety - what if he suffocated himself with his jumper? He sat down on the couch and put his feet up. He was way too tall for the couch; he had to rest his feet on the arm. I felt bad about taking the bed now.

“Enjoying the view?” he asked, his eyes closed and arms folded under his head.

Cheeks blazing, I rolled my eyes and moved away from the door. I sat down on the four-poster bed and removed the large silver bucket with the champagne bottle, as I was placing it on the side table, I saw a box of fancy chocolates. There was a note attached to it, I knew I shouldn’t look but I was curious. There was no time for me to let Ben have his privacy. I opened the note and it said: _“For my most beautiful Fiancée, love Ben.”_ So, Ben had come to London to propose. I was sure I was only scratching the surface and so I resolved to get my hands on that suicide note.

***~***

I couldn’t sleep, which wasn’t unusual. I had practically been insomniac for the past two months. I had tried various different methods to put myself to sleep but nothing seemed to work. My mind always filled up with too many thoughts and refused to rest. My mind drifted to Poe. As soon as that thought came into my mind, I felt panicked. I still clearly remember that I had wanted to end my relationship for over a year now but even so I never thought of actually doing it until recently. The issue was once I had acknowledged that there was a problem in the relationship there was not letting it go. Every little problem got magnified to the point that I had to accept that the relationship was doomed. They were tiny but also very important things. Like when he finished before me in bed, again; like he would always wear socks in bed and how he never cleaned after himself when he cut his toenails. How we never kissed anymore, the passionate smooches had turned into pecks on the cheek and I had started to get bored of his stories, fed-up of listening to the same old college rugby team stories. I was never under the illusion that the flames in a relationship burn as brightly throughout as in the first year but I had also not bargained for the flickering light it had become. Now that I think about it, I was more in love with the idea of falling in love.

Now that my mind had dwelled into darkness, all my worries started coming to the forefront. The worry of leaving Poe, of starting out alone. The money issues that I had to figure out, the task I had undertaken now with Ben. I had to help him see the wonders of his life, a life I knew nothing about. What if there was no joy I could find, and who was I to even meddle in this. For all my talk I wasn’t very happy with life either. The anxiety was kicking in, I was the last person Ben should be stuck with especially after that night two months ago… No.

I jumped out of bed, sweating. Feeling nauseous I went to the door and checked on Ben again. The TV was muted and the colors were flickering and reflecting off of Ben’s face. I watched his chest lifting up and down and took a deep breath. I needed some tea, so I filled the kettle and flipped on the switch.

“Do you never sleep?” Ben called, rubbing his eyes.

“Sorry, am I disturbing you?”

“No, but that noisy kettle is.”

I opened the door completely. “Do you want a cup? I see you have been drinking quite a lot by yourself.” There were three tiny bottles of Jack Daniels on the coffee table.

“Not nearly enough,” he said. “You know, you cannot keep an eye on me all the time, sooner or later you will have to sleep.” He finally opened his eyes and looked up at me. He didn’t look tired or drunk. Merely beautiful. Perfect.

I didn’t want to share the real reason or reasons for my insomnia. “I would prefer if I could sleep in here with you.”

“Good proposition, but it’s a bit too early after my breakup, so pass.” I sat down on the couch anyway.

“I will not jump off the balcony,” he said.

“But you have thought of it.”

“Of course, I have, I have thought of every single way of killing myself. It’s what I do all the time. I could set myself on fire”

“There is an extinguisher, I would save you.”

“I could use my razor.”

“Already hidden away.”

“I could drown myself in the bath or better yet taken a bath with the kettle.”

“I can watch you in the bath and that kettle can barely heat water, no way it could even electrocute a mouse, let alone you.” He stared at the cutlery next to the fruit basket on the bar platform.

“That cutlery can only just cut apples, veins I think would be too much for it.”

He laughed lightly.

“You think too much about killing yourself?” I tucked my legs underneath me and snuggled up in the corner of the couch.

His smile faded. “I can’t seem to stop, you were right. It has become a sick hobby.”

“There is nothing wrong with you thinking about it as long as you don’t act on it, I guess.”

“Thank you, at least you won’t take my thoughts away from me.” He said raising an eyebrow.

“Well, thinking about it comforts you and I cannot take that away right now, but we will have to find a different way for you to cope soon. Have you ever tried talking about it?”

“Yeah, it’s a great conversation starter. What do you think?”

“What about therapy?”

“Therapy is not for me.”

“It is probably a good way to go at the moment.”

“I thought _you_ were the way to go.” He looked at me. “Isn’t that our deal?”

“I will stick to my words; I was just wondering…” I swallowed. “Did your girlfriend know how you were feeling?”

“Voe? I don’t know. She kept saying I had changed. I was distracted, withdrawn. I wasn’t the same. But no, I never told her what I was thinking.”

“You have been depressed.”

“If that is what you want to call it. It doesn’t help when you keep trying your best to be happy and someone keeps saying you are not the same, you are down, you are not exciting, you are not spontaneous. God, I mean, what else could I do? I was trying to keep my own bloody sanity.” He sighed. “She thought it was to do with my mother and the job.”

“It wasn’t those things?”

“I don’t know.”

“But they have not helped?” I offered.

“No, no they haven’t.”

“So, tell me about the job that is worrying you.”

“This is starting to feel a lot like Therapy. You sitting there and me lying down.” He was staring straight at the ceiling. “You know how I told you I lived in Paris, well that is not completely true. My home is there but I have been living with my mother in Berkshire for a while now. I was given a leave from work to go and help with my Mother’s company while she was sick. I hate it, but it was fine because it was temporary. Then Mother got sicker, so I had to stay longer. It was hard to convince my job to extend my leave and now the doctors are saying that my mother is not going to get any better. It’s terminal. Then last week I went back to Paris to talk about further leave and there they told me that they have to let me go. They just cannot afford to let me spend more time away.”

“So, you lose your job and mother. And your girlfriend. And your best friend,” I summarized for him. “All in one week.”

“Ouch! Thank you for the accurate and cruel summarization.”

“I have fourteen days to fix you, no time to waste being nice.”

“You actually have thirteen now.”

“When your mother passes away. You are expected to take her place?”

“That’s the problem, it’s a family business. My grandfather left it to my mother, next it falls to me.”

The tension was building in Ben’s voice. I had to tread carefully, I asked, “Have you spoken to your mother about not wanting it?”

He laughed rather bitterly. “You don’t know my family. It doesn’t matter what I tell her. I told her I did not want to go to the States for schooling but it did not matter. My feelings are not part of the equation, never have been. That is the way of the family. The position is mine weather I like it or not. If I don’t take it, it falls to my uncle’s son”

I nodded my head to let him know I was holding on to everything he was saying and inside I was happy that my curiosity about his American accent had been curbed.

“That helps your situation, right?”

He buried his head in his hands and rubbed it. “No… look I appreciate you trying but this is a whole lot of family drama that I cannot explain to you.”

His fingers were trembling. He rubbed them on his Jeans, up and down, up and down. He probably wasn’t aware that he was doing it. Time to change the topic.

“Tell me about your job, the one you love.”

He looked at me with playful eyes. “What do you think it is about?”

I studied him. “A model?”

He swung his legs off the couch and sat up. It was quick. I thought he was going to dive on me, instead, he just looked at me in shock. “Are you joking?”

“You are not a model?”

“Why the hell would you even say that?” he looked embarrassed.

“Because…”

“Because what?”

He was flabbergasted. It was the first time I had seen him so animated.

“Don’t tell me no one has ever told you before?”

He shook his head. “No. No way.”

“Oh. Even your girlfriend?”

“No!” He laughed quickly and it was beautiful, a beautiful sound that I wanted to hear again. “You are pulling my leg,” he said and then laid back down.

“I am not. You happen to be the most handsome man I have ever seen so I thought you might be a model.” I explained rationally.

He looked at me, his face softer. He tried to figure out whether I was serious. I was mortified; I hadn’t meant it to come out like that. I had meant to say that he was handsome, but it came out wrong because I came out too honestly.

“what do you do then?” I was quick to change the subject, taking out fake fluff from my jeans to avoid his gaze.

“I work as an Aerospace engineer with Airbus.”

Beauty and brains. “Oh!” was all I could come up with. I started humming as I tried to look engaged in my fluff business.

“You want to know about my family drama, don’t you?” I finally looked at him and smiled weakly.

“Well, the company was supposed to go to my uncle who is the eldest child, but he is a selfish prick and my grandfather would rather destroy the company than let him have it. Instead, it went to my mother. The family split in two because of that, those who sympathized with my uncle and those who sympathized with Mother. So, if I don’t take over, it falls to my cousin… it’s pretty hard to explain to an outsider, but for me its really hard to turn my back on the business, as much as I despise it because there is loyalty involved.”

“I… I broke up with my boyfriend of four years a week ago,” I blurted out. Just like that, out of nowhere, I said it. my heart was hammering against my chest. It was the first time I had said those words out loud to anyone. For so long I had wanted to leave Poe, but I hadn’t because I wanted to be a loyal girlfriend. I knew exactly the loyalty Ben was talking about.

Ben looked at me surprised for a few moments. He studied me as if figuring out if what I claimed was true.

“What did he do?”

“He is a mechanic, why?”

“No, I mean what did he do to make you break up?” I swallowed hard and examined my nails. “He didn’t do anything; I was just unhappy… he did nothing wrong.”

He blew air out of his nostrils, unamused. “So, you found your happiness at his expense?”

I knew he was thinking about his girlfriend.

“It’s not something I am proud of.”

“But you did it anyway.”

“You have no idea how hard it is to heave someone. I have to weigh up the risks. If we stayed together, we would both have been miserable. This way he will be hurt but only short term, once he gets over me, he can find the right person for him.” My words echoed a bit.

“And what if he doesn’t get over you?”

I didn’t have a reply. I had not thought about that. I was sure that Poe would get over me, he would have to.

Ben disappeared into his thoughts, no question pondering over his future with his girlfriend. Getting over her didn’t seem like an option, but if she felt about him the way I felt about Poe, then there wasn’t a chance in hell for them.

“What do you do?” He asked suddenly realizing he knew nothing about the woman he just poured his heart out to.

“What do you think I do?” I played his game.

He didn’t think very long at all. “Work for some charity shop?”

“That’s random,” I said looking down at my clothes. The jeans converse and tee be casual but they were brand new.

“No, not because of your clothes. It's more because you… you seem like the caring type. Maybe a vet or something to do with rescuing animals? Am I close?”

I cleared my throat. “I am a copywriter.”

His smile faded completely. His disappointment was apparent as he was making no attempts to hide it. In a few hours, I would have _twelve_ days left and so far, I had accomplished nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Ben's darkness too much for Rey, or is she hiding a secret or two of herself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: TALKING OF MENTAL ISSUES AND DEATH OF A PARENT.

Ever since I had graduated from University, I had wanted to write but the problem was I had no idea what. I would open my computer and sit in front of the screen for hours at end without typing a single letter. Advertisements were easy, the clients usually wanted the same few lines that twisted in different ways, taking the old and packing it in new wrapper was my job. I had no complaints about it, the job paid well and I loved my co-workers but I would often think about the thirteen-year-old me who used to look at books in a shop with awe and wonder. I had always wanted to see my name on the binding of a book on a shelf somewhere My job took up most of my time and it also drained me enough that I wouldn’t want to sit and write at night. If I wanted to pursue writing I had to leave the job and give it a full-blown try but I had always struggled with stirring up enough courage to do so. If only I could ever find something worth writing about. Anyway, life had decided for me, if I was to have my personal freedom it came at a cost. I couldn’t possibly think of quitting my job to write. 

Having been stupid enough to buy an apartment with Poe to live in, I was in a very bad place in terms of money now. I had to keep paying the mortgage on the property as well as the rent for the place I had shifted to. Even though Finn and Rose had assured me I could stay with them as long as I wanted, I couldn’t become a burden. They already had their hands full with Paige, my niece. Rose had named her after her elder sister, the only family member who ever gave a damn about her. Rose lost her big sister when she was very young but still had fond memories of her. I loved Paige like my own child, there wasn’t a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for that kid but I wasn’t sure I wanted to live in the ‘perfect family’ house right after my relationship had ended.

Another completely sleepless night had gone by. I had been lying on the bed eyes closed for hours I was sure. I was broken out of this automated sleep position when I heard the sound of running water. I was alert all of a sudden when I found the couch on which Ben was sleeping empty I rushed towards the bathroom, hitting my leg on the coffee table. Not fully thinking my actions through, I barged into the bathroom where I was faced with the bare, very pert, and muscular bottom. Ben twisted his upper body around, his black curls were flattened and dripping down across his face. I couldn’t stop staring.

“No need to worry, I am still alive,” he said, amused again.

I quickly backed out of the bathroom, closing the door. I hurried to the guest toilet to make myself presentable as well and when I came back to the bedroom the water was still falling. After ten minutes it was still falling. I didn’t know what to do as I paced around the room, walking in on him once was a mistake but the second time it would be creepy. I wasn’t sure I could afford him his integrity when he had tried to kill himself two nights ago. The other thing to consider though was there was no real way in which he could hurt himself in there. I had removed the glass from there and had heard no mirror smashing. But my worry got the better of me and I was almost about to open the bathroom door when I heard the sound. It was quiet at first and then it sounded chocked, full of hurt, so longing and deep that I let go of the handle. I rested my head against the door, wanting to comfort him more than anything else. Helpless, I heard his sobs.

Then I remembered about the suicide note. This was the best time to go on and grab it. I looked around for his clothes and found them dumped into a corner. I picked up his jeans feeling both the pockets and found the folded piece of paper. I opened it, anticipating to finally find a look into his thoughts but what I found instead was a series of scribbles. Some scribbles were crossed out and others were underlined, I soon understood that it wasn’t a suicide note at all; it was his proposal to Voe, practiced and rewritten over and over till perfected.

The sound of Ben’s phone vibrating pulled me out of my thoughts. It was kept beside the fresh clothes he had laid out to wear after his shower. The phone stopped ringing and the screen revealed fifteen missed calls. It rang again. _Voe_. I made a quick decision.

I was still talking on the phone when I realized I couldn’t hear the water falling anymore, in fact, I hadn’t heard it in a while. I turned around; the phone still stuck to my ear. Ben was standing by the bathroom door, a towel wrapped around his waist, his skin completely dry and anger on his face. I made an excuse on the call and spoke before he had a chance to attack me.

“You had fifteen missed calls on your phone, I thought it might be important so I answered.” He tried to open his mouth to say something but I continued. “Also, if this is going to work, then I need to know everything about your life, complete access, no holds barred.”

I stopped to ensure he understood. He didn’t object.

“That was Voe. She has been really worried about you. she was afraid you might have done something stupid last night. She has been worried about you for a year now, really worried. Ever since you came to Berkshire and she took the job in London to stay close to you. She felt like she couldn’t get through to you so she went to get Tai’s help, so they could figure out what to do. She fought how she felt for him, but she fell for Tai. They didn’t wish to hurt you. They have been together for six weeks now. She wanted to tell you, but she didn’t know-how. She has been struggling to connect with you ever since you had to leave your job and take care of your mother. Every time she tried to tell you something bad happened. The first time she tried the news of your mother’s illness being terminal had just been dropped on you and the second time, a week ago, you were let go from your job. She really wished you had not found out the way you did.”

I watched as he took all this in, he was seething, the anger bubbling under his skin. But the hurt too was clearly visible, he was really so fragile, so delicate, so heartbroken, a whisper away from completely disappearing.

I calmed my voice down further and continued. “She seemed a little put out that I answered the phone, almost angry with me that she didn’t know who I was. She said in the six years you had been together she thought she knew all your friends. I would say she was jealous.”

The anger seemed to lessen a bit then. I felt hesitant about adding the rest but I took the risk, hoping for a payoff. “She said she doesn’t recognize you anymore. That you used to be fun, spontaneous, and funny. She said you have lost your spark.”

His eyes milled a bit but he coughed and shook his head, macho man back.

“We are going to get you back there, I promise. Ben, she will recognize the man she fell in love with and fall in love with him all over again.”

I gave him some space to digest all that and waited down in the living room, nervously biting my nails. Twenty minutes later he appeared out of the bedroom, fully dressed, eyes clear, and no sign of his despair.

“Breakfast?”

***~***

The dining room buffet had an array of food to choose from and customers were going back and forth to look at everything, crowding the counters. We sat down in one corner with cups of black coffee.

“So, we both don’t sleep or eat, what else do we have in common?” Ben said.

Losing appetite was part of insomnia symptoms. I barely ate anything these days and as a result, I had lost a bunch of weight.

“Broken relationship?” I offered.

“I was left. You left yours. Doesn’t count.”

“Don’t take my break-up personally,” I pleaded.

“I can if I want to.”

I sighed. “Tell me more about yourself. Voe said you lost your spark a year ago, that comment had stayed with me.”

“Yeah, that had stayed with me too. I wonder if she realized this before or after she fucked my best friend. Maybe it was during, it would be hilarious if it was during.”

I said nothing allowing him to take out a bit of his bitterness. “What were you like when your Dad passed away? How did you behave?”

Voe had revealed a lot of details about him over the call. I realized that people talk more when they are trying to justify actions, they feel guilty about. Her rant enlightened me about different aspects of Ben’s life, which Ben would not have shared with me easily.

“Why?”

“It will help me.”

“Will it help me?”

“Your dad passed away when you were a kid, your mother is dying, you were sent away from home when you were little, your girlfriend left you and you lost your best friend as well. I think Voe’s actions were just a trigger. Perhaps you are not good at dealing with people leaving. You feel abandoned, Ben. If you start recognizing your triggers, it can help you be aware of your negative thoughts before you drop into a downward spiral. Maybe when someone leaves you now, you feel like you felt when you were seven and your father died.”

I was impressed with myself but I seemed to be the only one.

“You should stop trying to be a therapist.”

“You should go to a real one then. But you won’t, so I am the best you have got.”

He was silenced by that logic. Whatever his reason, going to the therapist didn’t seem like an option. I was hoping to get him there eventually.

Ben sat back in the chair reluctantly, looking up at the chandelier. “I was seven years old. Dad had cancer. It was extremely sad for everyone, though I didn’t really understand. I didn’t feel sad. I only knew it was sad. All I knew was - he was sick. There was a room downstairs in my house where he stayed and we weren’t allowed to go in. If it was for a few weeks or a few months I do not remember. It felt like an eternity. Men would go in and out with their doctor bags, ruffled my hair as they passed. Mother would rarely go in. The only day the door to that room was left open, I went in. It had a bed in there that never used to be there. The bed was empty but apart from that, the room looked the same. The doctors who used to tap my head told me my dad was gone. I asked them where and they said heaven. So, I knew he wasn’t coming back. That is where grandpa and grandma had gone before that and they had never come back. I remember thinking that it must be a cool place to go to if everyone just wanted to stay back there. Everyone was sad including me this time. You see my father was the only one who could stop my mother from sending me off to boarding. He never cared about the ways of the Organa family. We attended the funeral and then I stayed with an aunt for a few days before I was packed off to the states.” He spoke of it completely devoid of emotions as his defense mechanism kicked in. I guessed for him to feel the pain, to let it all in was unbearable.

“Your mother didn’t discuss what was happening to your father?”

“My mother is a great leader but she had always struggled with emotions. After they told her that she had weeks to live she got a fax machine installed in her hospital room.”

“How was the boarding school? Did you make any friends there?” I was hoping for some spot of love and care in Ben’s life, I wanted a happy ending somewhere.

“That is where I met Tai.”

Which was as far from happy ending as possible. I couldn’t help myself, I reached out and placed my hand over his. The moment made him stiffen so I quickly removed it.

He folded his arms, “So, how about we stop wasting time on all this and get to the real problem?”

“This isn’t a waste of time; I think your father’s death in your childhood has had a significant role in your behavior now.”

“Unless you lost your father at seven you can not understand it. I am grand, let’s move on.”

“I did, well at least my mum.”

“What?”

“My mom died when I was four.”

He looked at me surprised, “I am so sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“So, how did it affect you?”

“I am not the one who wants to kill myself, so let’s move on,” I snapped, wanting to get back to talking about him. I could tell from his expression that I had sounded a lot angrier than I had wanted to. I composed myself. “Sorry, what I meant was if you do not want to talk to me, then what do you want, Ben? How do you expect me to help?”

He leaned forward, lowered his voice, jabbed his finger on the table to emphasize each word. “Its New Year’s Eve next week Saturday, I don’t want to party but I am expected at the family party and by family I mean the company. The party is here in London where most of our offices are. I don’t want to attend by I have to because the Board has chosen that day to announce me as the successor, while my mother is alive. That’s twelve days away because she is so sick, they had a meeting last week to see if the New Year’s party could be moved forward. I told them that is not happening because I do not want the job. I have not yet figured out how but I am going to find someone else to lead the company. So, if I have to go into that room on the thirty-first, I want Voe by my said, holding my hand, as it should be.” His voice cracked when he said her name and he took a moment to compose himself. “I get it. I changed and I wasn’t there when she needed me. She went to Tai and he took advantage of her, I have partied with that man since I was thirteen, I know how he can be with women. She doesn’t.

I tried to protest this point but he raised a finger to stop me and continued.

“I also want my Job back at Airbus, so I can go back to my life in Paris with Voe. In order to do so, you and I will have to figure out a way to handle the company issue and if even one of these things does not happen, I will do as I had warned. I am not ready to live with anything other than the perfect life I had in Paris. He jabbed the table with a butter knife to emphasize the seriousness of his statement. He looked at me wide-eyed and threatening. Almost daring me to walk out, to give up.

It was tempting, to say the least. I stood up. His expression turned into one of satisfaction. He had managed to push another person away, leaving him free to carry out the plan of demolishing himself.

“Okay!” I clapped my hands like a taskmaster. “We have a lot to do, let’s get going. We cannot keep living in a hotel so you can move into my place for now. I need to go to my brother’s place and pick up a few things and then we will go to my apartment so I can shower and change.”

He looked surprised that I didn’t leave him like he had expected me too, then he grabbed his coat and followed me.

***~***

When we were back in the suite and he was packing up stuff to take with him my phone beeped.

“That’s the third one in a row. You never check your messages. Not very encouraging, what if I was hanging off a balcony somewhere and needed your pep talk?” Ben shouted out from the bedroom.

“They aren’t messages, they are voicemails.”

“How do you know?”

I knew because it was eight a.m. And there was only one thing that happened as soon as it hit eight a.m.

“I just do.”

He came out with his bag and stared at me. “You said no secrets.”

I thought about it and after how much I had gotten into his personal space in the last twenty-four hours only thought it fair that he got a peek in mine. I handed him my phone.

He dialed and listened to the messages and after ten minutes handed me the phone back.

I searched his face for a reaction.

“umm… it was your ex-boyfriend, but think you already knew that. He said he will never let you see your dog again and a lot of other things that I don’t think I would like to repeat. By the way, you are not at all fat.”

“Is that all?”

“In the second message, he called you a bitch twenty-five times. He first said you were a bitch multiplied by twenty-five and then went on to say bitch twenty-five times.”

I sighed. Poe was not getting better. His voicemails had only gotten angrier and angrier. Now he wanted the dog all to himself. He didn’t even like dogs as much. His niece had gifted him the dog last year and I was the one who always took care of him.

“Actually, I want to check if he actually said it twenty-five times. It would be really funny if he messed up the count,” Ben snatched the phone from my hand.

Ben listened to the voicemail on speaker this time and each time Poe spat out the word with vicious anger and bitterness, he counted on his finger.

“Nah, exactly twenty-five bitches,” he handed me the phone disappointed. There was silence for a few seconds.

“And I used to think my life was messed up.”

***~***

After clearing all the bills, we walked out of the hotel and were looking around for a taxi when I heard his voice.

“Rey…” it was Skywalker. I clenched my fists and turned around slowly. “And Ben,” he added noticing him standing next to me.

“Hello officer,” I tried to hide the anger in my voice but failed miserably. I was not angry at him; I was angry at my luck. These coincidences needed to stop.

“Ben, how are you feeling now?” Skywalker asked shaking Ben’s hand.

“Better,” Ben said in a cheery voice I would have never imagined coming out of his mouth.

“Rey can we have a word?” his voice was a bit grunting when directed towards me.

“No… I am… we are getting very late.” I said still thinking of Ben’s sweet voice.

“Well then you leave me no choice, you should stay away from Ben and Ben I would suggest you do the same.” I was scared now; I didn’t want him mentioning anything more.

“After what you have experienced this is a recipe for a disaster,” He wanted to continue but I broke him off mid-sentence.

“Officer he is leaving, I just came to check on him this morning before work,” I said trying my best cheery voice. I could tell he didn’t believe me, he looked at Ben who nodded. Ben’s eyes were fixed at my smile plastered face.

“Well… then that’s good news, Ben please take care and you too Rey,” He said with genuine concern which only pierced my heart more.

“What experience Rey?” Ben asked once Skywalker bid us farewell.

I wasn’t sure I was going to say anything at all until I started talking. “I… two months ago I had witnessed another suicide attempt,” the words were cracking and my whole body felt numb. I didn’t know why I was telling him this, I didn’t need to admit to this, I never even admitted this to myself completely. Ben’s eyes were wide now, he was frantically looking at my face trying to judge if I was telling him the truth or not.

_“And I couldn’t save him…”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment if you liked it, would love to read your feedback.


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